I can't explain in words the emotions I have experienced in the past 2 weeks. It started off exciting, thinking about the final stretch for my FIRST DEGREE and then that excitement gradually got tinted with the expectations of passing well no matter what it took. That feeling stayed with me for sometime before having the carpet pulled underneath it by the sudden news of a friend's father's death. That shook my world in a way I cannot describe, the proximity of the situation and the fact that I had met him made the news hit very hard. I felt blankness in my mind, tried to conjure up his image and the few words I'd shared with him but the reality shocked me into the silence and blackness that filled my mind. Speechless for quite some time all I could try to think about was how my friend's heart might be feeling. The feelings I always relate with death are of being robbed and cheated. There's no redemption for death, and as much as I imagine that they may wake up and come back from the dead, all that media has done is made it harder to deal with real death.
The following days after the news were gloomy and sad, I felt guilty for laughing and focusing on other things. The reality though is that I had to continue with life, the final stretch that I'd temporarily forgotten about. At the time of the news this degree felt like such a small part of such a larger picture, a cosmic picture where life is so valuable and vulnerable.
It's been some days since the news and I have gone through some sort of life changing things myself. I realised that my life is moving and because I set the ball rolling I must follow the path that God has set for me. I'm leaving a beautiful comfort zone that has been my home for 3 years, any academic's paradise and am moving back home to the busy streets and capitalist driven city, that is my home :) I'm leaving my friends and new family, just like I left mine to come here in 2008. It feels like something that must happen, and I did initiate it so I must follow through.
New Year, New Institution, New Course, New Staff and Academic members to get used to. New Classroom setting, New Department System, New Environment, New 'Kaif', New stairs to climb up, New fear of falling off them lol, New Access Card, oh my I think I should stop. I'm freaking myself out before I've even recieved my degree :).
I've realised that self-doubt isn't a bad thing but in moderation, I can't imagine over-confidence as a good thing, EVER. I was doubtful but still took a chance and God watched and listen the entire way, now he's showing me what to do next and that's what I'm going to do. It's scary as hell, but that's what having faith is all about, trusting that God's doing what's best for you even though you may not see it that way, which is okay cause he works in a different way and we aren't supposed to know everything anyway.
I am so blessed, I am so thankful, I am grateful for all I've have and experienced thus far amd I am hopeful that as long as I remain obedient, faithful, loyal and a good daughter, more blessing will be showered upon me and those in my life <3
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